LIFE CHANGER #2

“BE MORE FLEXIBLE WITH LIFE”

In the days of what looked like a somewhat successful, thriving songwriting career, you could find me sitting on a hard wooden bench at a piano for 8-12 hours a day writing songs, in the studio late into the night recording songs, at uber-artist hang outs like the Urth cafe or Bougeois Pig talking about writing songs, going from office to office pitching my songs, or sitting at lunches with my publisher, overloading my schedule 3 months in advance with only the ‘important’ people, and plotting the best tactic to place my songs.

Most called me “ambitious” or “determined” or my favorite “sooooo busy,” and my self-esteem would inflate with the affirmation that I must be doing it ‘right’. This was my whole life. This is ‘what it took’ to get what I wanted. And this is ALL that I wanted too!

I came to realize this when I once attempted to read, “The Artist Way.” When it got to the chapter of listing what else you loved to do besides write, my mind was blank. There was nothing else. And that’s as far as I got with that book, because Julia Cameron obviously didn’t ‘get’ it.

Fast forward a few years, to 4th of July weekend, 2003. While my boyfriend and visiting family members were going to parades, barbecuing and chasing each other with sparklers in the back yard, I was tied up in a last minute writing session. Unfortunately, it was no surprise to them that the “very important” artist in my studio, once again, took priority. About 6 hours in, I stood up from my piano bench, and I fell to the floor in excruciating pain. I spent the rest of my holiday weekend in bed, not being able to stand or walk. In fact, come to think of it, back in those days, I spent most of my ‘downtime’ or vacation time in some sort of pain, illness, or just plain exhaustion. Unfortunately, this sharp lower back pain became chronic, and my normal treatment of ‘ignore it and it will go away’ technique wasn’t working.

I finally dragged myself to a chiropractor who also did acupuncture, energy healing, and ancient chinese medicine. Dr. Haranu was an ancient, wise, zen master of very few broken english words who didn’t have much interest in my pain or my important work deadlines. He would work in silence, applying every technique he had. Finally, after several visits, he had me stand while he did energy work from across the room. He asked, “How does your back feel now?” I wiggled around, and said, “It still hurts.” He went back into a trance and slowly moved his hands around, and asked, “How about now?” I quickly responded, “Nope, I still feel it.” He tried again, “Now?”, and I said, “Nope. It’s just not working.” Then he stomped his foot, and said in very clear english, “You need to be more flexible with life!” and he stormed out of the room! That was his final diagnosis, and the last time I ever saw Dr. Haranu.

It took me years, to come to the full awareness of what he meant. I was so deep into my self-created deadlines and grueling schedule at the time, that I didn’t even take the time to figure it out. Instead, I spent thousands of dollars in physical therapy and massage, to just maintain the damage I was doing to my back on a daily basis.

One thing I’ve learned since that time,

is that being in a state of “I don’t know”

is much more productive than “I know.”

At the time, I had no idea how much I was limiting my career, or my success, my health, and ultimately my happiness by all the things I knew. I thought I knew what I wanted/needed, where I needed to be, how hard I had to work, how long I had to ‘pay my dues’, and who would help get me there, and who could wait.

Turns out, I had no idea.

Eventually, I would find myself in a life with no ‘life‘ in it.

I would avoid or say no to so many unknown opportunities, potential relationships, important lessons of soul growth, and too many of life’s cherished moments like friend’s weddings or even family funerals, because it didn’t fit into my schedule, or into my ultimate plan. Sure, I tried having relationships, friendships, or going to dinner parties, and I fooled myself into thinking I was doing it pretty well! I was just trying to balance it all like everyone else was! But I was hardly ever fully present.

The truth is, I had grown much more comfortable

experiencing intimacy thru my work,

than in relationships with other people.

When we control life with what we ‘know’, we limit all the possibilities that life has for us. And the truth is, we don’t know the divine blueprint of how life is working for us at all. We don’t know what the next miracle is going to be, or who is going to deliver it. When we’re busy ‘making it happen’, we are shut off to allowing anything better into our reality.

Today, 8 years later, I practice just saying, “Yes.”

I also practice saying, “No”, when my heart isn’t in it.

I’ve learned that you don’t attract what you want, you attract what you ARE.

I stopped trying to be how I want to be seen, and just started being me.

Today, I create intentions and surrender the outcome.

I spend more time enjoying the present, and a lot less time trying to get to my future.

I now listen to my body, and acknowledge it’s intelligence and inner wisdom.

I direct my energy towards how I want to feel, and let go of what I think will bring that to me.

I start every day with a prayer,

“Where would you have me go, What would you have me do, and What would you have me say, and to whom?” and I look to be surprised and amazed.

I now trust that all my needs are always provided.

I consider time to be an illusion, and trust that there’s enough.

I seek to see why life is happening for me, instead of to me.

I finally embrace the truth, that if it’s not love, it’s a cry for love.

I sometimes wonder, if I would have stepped out of my stubbornness and my pain body long enough to ask Dr Haranu what ‘being flexible’ actually meant, if he would have told me.

I’m pretty sure if I would have walked out of that doctor’s office, ‘knowing’ how to be flexible, I probably would have just put it aside like everything else until I had more time to focus on it, or let’s be honest, until I had time to be perfect at it, which pretty much defeats the whole principle!

Maybe being flexible, is just being still enough to let the truth reveal itself to you, and then being gentle and patient with yourself, until you can fully integrate it into your way of thinking and eventually into your way of being.

So today, if you see that there are areas where you are carrying stress or extra added pressure around the way you think it should be, and you find yourself fighting to make it happen, then maybe this message is for you.

And you don’t need to do anything with it, or even fully understand it right now...just allow it to be a possibility, and the rest will effortlessly come to you. And if you do that, you will already be in the flow of flexibility with life, and all the true power that it brings.

And don’t forget to...Expect a Miracle!